Intercourse. A bizarre mating ritual that disrupted evolution 410 million years ago. Prehistoric ocean dwellers indulged in voluptuous rubbing, neglecting survival instincts. The heritage of human defects debuted.

Fast-forward to Tuesday, August 12, 2025. A smirch—not an alien—lands on Earth and latches onto the right jawbone of her new host, Adam. Together, they’ll connect humanity to the cosmic consciousness. Adam’s always felt special—now the universe concurs.

But alarming evidence reveals a forgotten 500-million-year-old catastrophe deliberately brought upon our ancestors, contaminating our cognition and compromising the cosmic consciousness. The smirch must now fix humanity’s defects.

Will Adam and the smirch discover who hacked our evolution? Is humanity competent to connect to the cosmic consciousness? Will Egon Mars quit saving the world, before someone gets hurt? And why is the smirch suddenly speaking in tongues?